Families in the Fast Lane by guest blogger Jennifer Kolari, MSW, RSW

Families in the fast lane

The concept of over -programming our children is something many parents are concerned about. Many of us realize this loss of free time for kids results in loss of imagination and creativity. Over-structured childhoods place great demands on children and their parents--who have to plan and organize it all. Many children benefit from these programs--the structure, learning opportunities and excitement they can bring--but too many commitments can throw everyone off balance and undermine the positive things these activities can offer.

In addition to soccer practice, swimming or music lessons, tutoring and Karate, our home life can be filled with video games, iPods, Blackberrys and computers, all of which can make it even more difficult for families to stay close and connected. This added stress can raise frustration levels, causing us all to be short or impatient and further disconnected from one another.

All the stress of rushing and driving from program to program can wear on us. If it were as easy as just cutting back on these programs it would be a simple fix, but for many, this is the way life works and their kids want to be involved in these activities.

It is important to make sure that the benefits of the program outweigh the stress it puts on all of us. And that we consider the importance of relaxed family time, walks, board games and unstructured play time when planning our weeks. When we were young there were always kids out on the street ready to play kick the can or hide and seek, today most streets are empty with kids in organized programs. While I worry about the lack of free unorganized play and children needing time to chase butterflies and lie in the grass I do realize that the reality is -- there often is no one on the street to play with. Play dates are booked and carefully scheduled around lessons and activities. It will take a collective effort for all of us to see the value in play and downtime. Below are some tips to help busy families deal with this issue.

Families in the fast Lane

Take a family inventory of activities; work towards balance for everyone not just the kids.

Have your child involved in one non-negotiable activity. Other activities they can choose, try, and not necessarily stick with.

Cut back on activities by allowing just one activity per term, and another they would really like to do later in the year.

Build in time for unstructured play.

Build in for transition times like leaving the house or moving from one activity to another to reduce stress.

Schedule in time with your children, put them in your day timer, they will love seeing their names there.

Turn computer, blackberry, cell phones off for set amounts of time.

Try, when possible, to eat dinner together.

Make time to be silly to ensure you are laughing and having fun.

Sit with them for a few minutes when they are watching TV or playing a video game.

Take your child or teen to lunch, have a set time once a month.

Use time in the car to talk, kids often say more in the car.

Build in time to relax, play games, go for walks, don’t just talk about it.

Giving Childhood Anxiety a Face, a Name, even Toenails!

Jennifer Kolari's blog post has certainly hit a nerve among parents. I've heard from quite a few people dealing with this very thing. Further to Jennifer's suggestion to give the anxiety a name, my own therapist has suggested to me that I also give it a face. This is cognitive behavioral therapy and should work for your own anxiety or your child's - it certainly helped me.

I was told to come up with an image of what my anxiety looked like - short or tall, what color, etc. What I came up with was a tangle of purplish-brown hairy lines with cartoon eyes, hands, and feet. Right away, my own creature was sort of cute in an annoying way. He only came up to my knees, so I was the one in power. But the greatest thing about creating a separate persona for my fear was that it then existed outside of me--no longer within. It wasn't a part of me, it was a little being I could order away from me if need be.

For example, if I was going to a reading and was nervous, I could imagine this hairy beast, tell him he was not allowed to follow me (bookstores tend to frown upon purple hairballs hanging around, don't they?). My therapist said to give him (see - already he has a gender, ha!) one spot in the house where he was allowed to exist and banish him to his spot when you want to get rid of him.

So if your child is experiencing anxiety, ask her what her anxiety looks like - if it could look like anything in the world. Let her create this creature in great detail and laugh over little parts of it--the ragged ears or yellow teeth. Then have her name it, decide how large or small it is. Let her discuss it's odd habits, then pick the spot where it's allowed to live. Your child will have so much more power over her anxiety, you should see an improvement right away. And as she banishes her little creature to its spot more and more, the creature's strength will gradually begin to fade, leaving your child free from its ugly cracked toenails more and more.

I'd love to hear if it works for anyone - even if you try it for yourself!